Sharing good-byes

Farewell to Ben Kegan.

On September 15, 2007, I had the pleasure of sharing a position with Ben, a volunteer hosting gig for a dinner party at Bob Tobin's house. We were helping Bob host a charity dinner. Right before the guests arrived, we were asked to take our shirts off so we wouldn't dirty them while we were moving chairs and tables. Bob: brilliant! It was awkward, really. Ben was shy. He was nice and such, but shy or reserved or some such thing. We worked together well; this happened before I had been a server (I was working for Starbucks at the time), and we had the same level of service experience. I took to mixing strong drinks, and Ben took coats and seated guests. Eventually, we were sitting, eating, and drinking with the guests. We volunteered to stay behind to clean up a few things, but all we really did was pack up some bottles of vodka, and walk over to the event wrap-up, at the art center. During the walk, we knew each other, in the moment, drinking from the same bottle, in love. There, we ran into some other donors, lots of professors, and a few friends. I had a conversation with my economics professor, met her husband, and came off as wildly drunk. Bob took the picture above, and in that flash it was over. He was no longer a lovely person I had just met, he turned out to be brilliant and confusing, to be beautiful and distant. The night ended, I was alone again, and it was never the same. He made me nervous. I couldn't talk to him without being something outside myself, a something-I-am-not.

I ran into Ben two times in the last two weeks, the first to welcome Bob back for his recent visit. I couldn't help but mutter that it was awkward, mostly because it was, but also because I had nothing else to say. I can't figure out how to tell someone I love them without reason. Our last meeting happened this evening when he came into eat. Apparently this was his last night in Walla Walla. I said good luck, but I wanted to tell him to carry my love with him. I can't carry it with me much longer, and I think I'll let it loose in a stream or channel somewhere nearby. It could find him, but it probably won't.